Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
