watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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