I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I stole a fireplace last night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
