hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
