I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The adults are the big ones right?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
