I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
