i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
