Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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