Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
