Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
