i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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