guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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