I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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