I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
