I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
