I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
