I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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