Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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