Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
