Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
