I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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