I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm just crazy horny about you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
