I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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