remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
