I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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