My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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