I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
