youre lurking in front of me
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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