I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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