o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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