Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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