lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
