Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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