so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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