My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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