Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
