I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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