More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
handjob tips. give me some.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
