allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
