The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
