I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
