Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize