if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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