Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
