I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
