just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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