ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
