its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
