Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
