Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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