Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
