You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
