dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Actions speak louder than pants.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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