Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
