Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
