he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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