You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
